Spoiled rotten

His momma's crazy-Nazi rules have gone out the window since his diagnosis: Brian now sleeps between his mom and dad, a feat unthinkable pre-Dx!

<-- This is his "Mom, don't leave me, I'll stay as close to you as possible" look. On our way to the vet. Meanwhile, Comet's all nonchalant, thinking "Oh, grow up." lol

I've noticed in the past two days that discomfort, perhaps from the dull pain in the bones, makes him toss and turn a lot at night. Back when he was "normal", he would jump (pun intended) at every opportunity to snuggle with us. Nowadays, the cushiness of the couch and bed bothers him, and he prefers to sleep on the cold, hard floor. Cancer, one point, Barnes Family, zero. And he woke up with a fever and noticeable limp today. His physical well-being, or lack thereof, affects my mood for the day. Definitely not a high point on this roller coaster ride.

Met the vet this morning to get more pain meds and to assess their efficacy in keeping him as comfortable as possible. She thinks he's still fine, for now, given that his appetite is still gargantuan, and that he still chases balls, etc. But she thinks he is more 3 months out, rather than 6. Tears flow, but I don't care, because she understands my frustration 200%. I was kind of embarrassed and glad at the same time to see that he gained five pounds in a few weeks. He does have a special diet and several supplements, which, though balanced, I overfeed him with. Can't bear his "I'm still soooo hungry" look, a labby trait which I am currently grateful for, what can I do. Our spoiled rotten baby. The diet is low on carbs, supposedly to starve the cancer cells. Pardon my language, but... f*ck you, cancer!

Discussed his "last rites" with the vet too. Very surreal. When to decide (signs of dwindling quality of life), who to bring (us + fur-brother, Comet), what to bring (dog bed, toys), what to expect (sedation + injection). It helps that I feel very comfortable with her. She is compassionate and is very affected by our personal tragedy as well, as if it was her dog.

I'm getting better though. I no longer spontaneously burst into tears in public... at least not as much as I used to. I can now talk to my neighbor outside, a co-dog-lover, without having a meltdown.

Acceptance is coming, albeit ever so slowly. Brian will let us know when it is time, I am sure of it.